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He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. I could not imagine this type of betrayal and I hope you can find peace. Do you love her more than anything? I can't stress enough how important it was that you didn't let this fester and at the same time you removed yourself from the situation to give yourself time to sort out your feelings. Oh My God, seriously? She maybe deserves the benefit of the doubt. Does she really think they dont laugh at her for doing bi things with you behind her back as well? It's not a secret, kept in a fault. Women get cold feet around marriage, but she decided to be with you. If that partner had outed me to anyone, I would have never been able to trust them again. Anyone that believes stay for the kids has literally never had any experience as a kid whos parents stayed for them. Embarrassed..then it turned to rage. This is tough, because you're obviously going through it and I'm sorry you are hurt, very truly. In this day and age? OK she was drunk and your sexuality came out in a stupid moment. 1.) We were having drinks and girl talk, about sex, etc.. well he didnt like a few things he heard and got upset. As for the rest of it, definitely couples counseling. As far as your confidence goes, why has that taken a hit? First let me say your SO is the fucking worst in my humble opinion. Created by your wife. Those homophobes won't care that he's married to a woman. Ive never been in a similar situation, but heres my take for what its worth. This reeks of blatant disrespect, stupidity, ignorance, and bullshit. It doesn't matter how private it is, or if they say they don't, they talk. If she does in fact really care about you - she will wait. That was extra stupid. Why was this in turn a secret kept from you? She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. I didn't enforce it, I didn't like it and it made me feel similarly to you. Now you know you have to be careful near her, from now on dont expose yourself that much. This given that she initiates the sex games, and probably will never admit to friends that she enjoys them as a kink to keep the bedroom alive and hot. I found out that Im extremely affects by stress, including fight at home. Especially because the reason behind the "close call" was because OP is bi. He was literally a running joke to all of them. Tell her to flip the genders and make it you and the "boys" doing "locker room talk" about her and all the things she likes in the bedroom. She told them deeply personal stuff about your sex life. German Husband let Young Boy Fuck his Wife in Threesome 14:30. She needs to apologize to you in a way that doesn't offset the blame to her friends. Remind her of this without judging. Not buying it. She buys all kinds of outfits and toys without me even suggesting it! People aren't accepting where I live either. So I would lean towards suggesting forgiving her and working on this. Best of luck. You are NOT overreacting. From one bi to another, I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's a bisexual's nightmare scenario to hear your long-term partner say this kind of shit. Your wife outed you. How disgusting can she be? Just talk. Even individual counseling as well, to help you understand your own feelings and what you want to do in this relationship. It seems like it doesnt bother your one guy friend all that much and maybe having it a little out in the open will be nice. One of the guys who was there called me and I answered. In our response, lies our growth and our freedom. First, I am so sorry she made those statements for whatever the reason. Do you think she feels the same way about you?? She failed at the number one attribute an SO needs to be, your SO's most ardent defender. It very much is and if you let them gaslight you and suppress how you actually feel, you will feel a huge burden and trust issues for the rest of your life. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. She has betrayed your trust. I told her to get a therapist to talk to about it but DO NOT TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT MY DICK essentially. Who cares if she feels pressured by her friends to make fun of your sexuality or thinking about Tom, she either has shitty friends or she needs to take accountability for her actions and learn to grow up. She is the person who is supposed to have your back the most, and not only did she not, she threw you to the wolves and also took some bites herself. She forced him out, and its time for her to join him. That's so fucked man. No one cares. Therefore I would talk to her about her views on it and, if necessary, go to couples therapy on this. There were many times where we wanted to throw in the towel. People won't forget about it. She used your innermost private information (your sexuality) as fodder for gossip and jokes. I could never trust what to believe again. Can you trust a person like that after all this? She is trying to write this shit off as a mistake. She chose to prioritize platonic bonds over her marriage and honestly just participated in casual homophobia at the expense of her husband. The mmmhmmm's give that away. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. If she truly loves you she is going to beat herself up for a while. Most people in the comments seem to be going off of the deep end here. Hes outed now. I had no privacy. Taking a sensitive topic like sexuality and using yours in a way to demean you just so she can get a chuckle from her friends is unacceptable. This. Look beyond her faux Pas and look at the positives and what you enjoy. THAT is a stand up friend. Dont just jump straight to divorce. I don't think this information should have been said. He heard her, not us) about visualizing other men. I got in my car and drove to my mom's house. I could give the benefit of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends. Also she devolved some abusivo behaviour which, according to her was due to the lack of sex. She needs new friends what a bunch of assholes. But it does happen and people can surprise you. She violated your trust in one of the worst possible ways and there really isn't any way to walk it back, The thing that sucks the most is that now that there was a blowupthose judgmental friends who she told about your sexualitywill be running their mouths to all their other friends and coworkers and more and more people will be told something you never wanted shared. Take the space you need & honor your feelings. You're definitely overreacting but to a strange set of circumstances. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. Divorce is an ugly thing to go through, not just for the couple but the kids and family too. Tell her that not another drop of alcohol is going to pass her lips from now on, it obviously addles her common sense. It takes a lot of trust and vulnerability to explore kinks with somebody. Sorry if this is all over the place. Humanity is an ocean. She cares more about her friends perception of her than she actually cares about showing how much she cares about you. Great comment. Just want to say the other husband is a stand up guy. Seems to me that because of her indifference to your feelings, she needs to get rid of those friends because she emasculated you in front of them. In that space is our power to choose our response. Sounds like she cares more about what her friends think than how you feel. As Ive gotten older and talked/listened to more and more people, it definitely seems like most toxic masculinity stems from mens encounters with women they trusted, not other men. This is not helpful but wow. Your wife's unfortunate refusal to do the same speaks to her character too. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Mom and boy 22:56. If you can't own up to what you're doing in the bedroom, you aren't mature enough to be doing it. Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends). By bringing it up then and making your feelings the most important feelings in the room, you are being childish. "Hey babe, sorry I shit-talk about you and betray your trust. I think that sometimes both men and women have a form of locker room talk with their friends about topics that maybe they arent entirely truthful about with their friends in order to make them feel better. HER?! she also choose to make fun of you to her friends instead of standing up for you. The biggest thing in my mind is, she shouldn't be saying things to appease her friends because she thinks they'll judge her for being with you. I am so sorry. Your sex life sounds amazing. She put you down at your own house. Don't ruin your relationship because of this. My take: there may be some truth in her fabrications to her friends, which makes her even worse. Oh come.A- at least. Yeah, I have a hunch that her apology is going to include counseling and new friends. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your marriage. I only started being a little open about it when I moved 3 states away from them and was dating a supportive partner. The bottom pine is you're supposed to be able to confide in her about these things and she's mishandled your trust. When my husband and I had been together for maybe a year, I went to my mom exactly once for advice. Maybe you should ask him if that not problem why he upset. She didn't have your back and she put friendship with assholes over her partner in life. She insulted your sexual performance 5. And sometimes its nice to vent about the small stuff and have close friends relate to you and help you feel youre not alone. Shes not doing bi stuff with you in bed, she was initiating sexual acts that exist in all relationships, not bi-dating-straight. She and her group of mean girls clearly cant accept that. She seems like a good egg caught in a bad moment however. When you have a PARTNER that partner should be in your corner 100% of the time. Even if it was a close call, you dont say that. Imagine all the other crap she does drunk, only to blame it on being drunk . First, you did not overreact, this is a huge violation of your trust. 2) Your wife flat out lied about her grin and bear it attitude about your sex life regarding the "bi stuff" when she often initiates it. A random guy you barely know has stuck more by you tonight than your own wife does on the regular. So props to you. Be honest anyway. This is what her and her friends did to you. You dont need to have the talk tomorrow. All the sudden I didnt know my wife. First of all, I think we all say less than admirable things about our SOs at times. Not such perfect marriage after all. So I became kind of a joke and was constantly approached by family and friends, which didnt contributed at all for my stress level. The second is more complicated: She does see bisexuality as "unmasculine" or an emasculating trait, however, you cant actively deny her feelings on the subject; theyre just her opinion on it. The only talking I'd be doing at that point would be discussing how she wants to split custody. Isn't this basically reverse sexism? First of all, you're right to cool down before making decision on anything. Suggest you stay away for a bit and do some thinking about what you want and whether its possible for her to mend this damage and that you can accept her behavior and forgive her. Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. Couples counseling may help rebuild trust. She continued to ignore my boundary. I suggest therapy for you for your feelings and how you want the relationship to proceed. The women were all on the patio outside. Outing you accidentally is one thing, but there are a load of major no-nos here. She criticized him and tried to get me to break up with him. Maybe. Her to never talk to her friends?? Tom hasn't been relevant for seven years. So will she keep acting to her friends like she has a problem with it? I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her). Ive never felt this upset. Must feel betrayed and really hurt. You can be understanding of her error, but she has to build up trust back with you. I mean if she can demean you in front of her friends there is absolutely no issue putting her in her place in front of them as well. What drops it a full letter grade for me is that the protagonist is always an Abercrombie model. Because I think going three-for-three on instances of convenient bullshit is, well, bullshit. Dude, she needs to recognize that her violation of your trust is incredibly bad. She may end up escalating the situation. Stay strong man I can only hope you can move on from this with your confidence restored. Her to like the same shit you go?? Would she throw them under the bus too or try to forbid them from coming out? He and I werent real close, but wed hang out here and there and always enjoyed one anothers company at get togethers and stuff. How long has she been friends with them? All I can tell you is that it will all pass in good time, and you deserve better, and if she cant be better it ought to be from someone else. I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. You and your wife decided to marry each other. If you can't let bygones go after that then take the divorce, but be the better person and give your marriage a chance. She pulled her friends into your marriage and made you the butt of a running joke. I think you did the right thing by leaving that night, although blowing up the party that was might not have been the best idea. Hope you can solve things and come to a good end for you. Juatt know that that is okay and it can take as long as it takes. They honestly seem jealous if they care that much about what you enjoy sexually. She broke your trust, plain and simple. Im about to grab the beers and be on my way. It sounds like you have a wife who loves you but is a social coward so afraid of opinions that she tried to hide that it ever happened in hopes no one would find out. She just let it slip. Right I mean she volunteered stuff when she could have kept her mouth shut. I totally dont get why she would lie and say he begged for the gay stuff if she was wanting it. Couples therapy is a must, but it is on your wife to earn your trust back. Right? She also needs to put her friends in their place or look for better friends. She feels bad for being caught. You have to try and think past this and think about her and the relationship as a whole. It sounds like shes remorseful. It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. As a queer person, I would never feel comfortable being with someone biphobic or who is okay being friends with people who are biphobic. That was 100% a choice on her part. Her friends have always been cool to me. It's terrible. I have a key and texted her I needed to stay there for the night and she said of course without any questions asked. That's a major issue in my eyes at least. I even heard her shoosh the friend who said it and peek inside the kitchen but I hid behind the counter and kept listening. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. I know from experience when you say Ill kinds of shit and they say whatever makes your friends happy or agree especially if youre drinking and they all laugh about it I believe your wife really does love you but she needs to stand up for you with your friends and those friends arent real friends so they have no business in your home do you need some serious counseling for your children sake. Thank you. Did she give me advice? Ugh I'm angry for you OP, but I agree with the other posters. You will never have that trust again. Take your time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers. Too many people on this app will read this and tell she can never be trusted again and you need to divorce. Take a few days away from everything. If yes then walk and bear the burdens of the breakup, but if you think you together are worth saving, then do something to sort out the issues and move beyond it. Youre not overreacting at ALL. If I were OP, the answer to this would play a big part in how/whether I wanted to proceed in the relationship. You have an issue, address it. She needs to understand that at least. Especially when there is alcohol involved. Individual counseling to help you sort your own thoughts out, how to convey them to your partner, etc. You both need to get in front of a good counselors and dig in. Thats so tough. If you love her at your core, and want to work through it then work but it doesn't have to happen quickly or on any schedule. However you talk shit no doubt with your friends you would probably never want her to hearbwe can all be thoughtless assholes from time to time She chose you I'm not saying you overreacted must off been devastating to hear but it sounds like overall you guys have a good and loving relationship unless you are truly broken by this you need to talk and work out where you are now and whether this is repairable or not situation. Honestly man if I found out my partner thinks so little of me because of my sexuality, especially after what you guys do in the bedroom, I would honestly hand her divorce papers and let her know that she can enjoy her friends company more since she's not with the bi guy anymore and she can go be with Tom like she wanted. Sorry bro, no words. It's not cool she didn't. Maybe things that we say passively just to get our friends to laugh and joke, but arent meant to be taken seriously. Unfortunately as long as there are homophobic people out there, there is potential to damage his reputation. This story isnt funny but that first line killed me. I think it's too late for couples counseling. The bigger problem seems to be that she's embarrassed of it, not willing to stick up for it/you, and is willing to lie to her friends to fit into what they want her to be. If she truly care about your feelings, she would not have put you down to make herself look and feel better. I would not have been able to control myself the same way no doubt. I dont know what to do. Maybe suggest that. Next I called my wife. Sounds like there needs to be an understanding formed between you guys and what is appropriate conversation with friends. I got halfway through before searching "fake" in the comments. Couples counselling may help as well. Especially the two narrow minded ones, All these comments already have good points, I just wanna add that you should definitely take your time. Yeah. To me this is an unfortunate situation one you would never have known about but for some low key curious snooping and snooping isn't meant as you were being a sneaky individual just a situation happened and you were part off it. Also, she doesn't like your sex life. I would just ask why her friends opinions matter more than yous twos intimacy. I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. She really messed this up, she's immature and worried about offending the wrong people. Seriously? I agree with this comment the most. he was more "passionate" etc. I'm sorry you went through this. I dated a man who tried to beat the bisexuality out of me because the few girl friends I had were "my type." ", I doubt he cares about that, its mostly that his wife was saying all of those things behind his back but she acts like she likes it to him. What she did was the lowest of the low and completely unacceptable. These ones sound terrible. She sounded way too comfortable with what she was saying (based on OP's description. i think you do need to consider the idea that it probably was indeed just girl talk, same as when guys just chat shit together. Sorry you had to deal with this man, your wife sucks. 2. She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. I can also understand how this could be a blow to your confidence. I'm getting angry just sitting here cause I've personally witnessed this so many times. My parents stayed together for my sister and I and I honestly wish they would have split a long time ago. I wouldnt let her off the hook easily, but we all say and do some dumb stuff and I think she deserves a chance make it up to you and resolve the situation. Good luck bro! Try marriage counseling and perhaps moving away for a new start. But, she finally conceded maybe he was genuine. What girl no own ya sh*t. I would be scared to death to share those acts with her again. Your wife doesn't have your back. Life is great and were very blessed. No matter how much she tells you she really enjoys it, there will now always be that voice in your head that tells you she really doesn't. I keep my composure as best I can and open the slider to the patio and poke my head out. Im sorry about your situation; not sure what I would do. I'm sorry. At the very least, you need couple's counseling because it seems she has two very different worlds built up in her head when she talks with you versus her friends. Your wife is a cowered. I'm conflicted because a lot of men talk about other women,wives,guys etc like that to seem tough and shit, but when a woman says it it makes it the end of the world? That's only for me and my wife to know. Second, your wife may have been shitface drunk when she blabbed your secret, but she should have refused to talk about it thereafter. I am so pissed off on OP's behalf. Most people will say bi/lesbian women are "ok" because it's "hot" (I've been told that), and will see bi/gay men as an atrocity just because it's men with other men. No shit. Especially the part where she acts like its a close call between you and Tom to her girlfriends. This was not stupid. Wife and I have been married 7 years and its literally the marriage everyone wants. Clearly and simply. Thats her game, and I suggest therapy and also congratulate you, my dude, on taking it so calmly. At 31 years old! What can you say or she say tomorrow? She NEVER told me this. She stopped criticizing after that. she can claim she doesnt mean it all she wants but that will not change the fact she said it and then didnt defend you when things got ugly. Your life, you know the relationship better than us, but this is plenty to break a marriage. I think you should try to work this out. I don't think she is disinterested in the guy, but I will say I don't tolerate that kind of weakness. Wow dude. I don't know what you should do but I know you shouldn't just roll over and say it's okay. They give up so quickly when there's a whole lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness. Also, she could have been honest and told him what happened at the bachelor party, but instead she kept it a secret. Wife talks shit to friends to be funny/gossip/have fun, and does not honor the trust that was placed in her. She might actually be into the stuff you guys do but is pressured by her friends to be a shitty person. Thank you for giving me my laugh for the day haha. How I interpret you feel: she betrayed your trust, she shared your private life, and then made fun of it. Itll be hurtful to both of you for a long time and you probably both need therapy but if you truly do love each other, itll be worth it. I'd also put the missus on a yellow card and ask her to be more honest about the Tom thing; the fact he treated her badly and you're the opposite must be a good factor in staying together. She let slip things that suggests she views OP inferiorly. I (28M) with fiance (27F) about a month ago overheard her tell a friend her previous Ex was the best lover she ever had It was quite by accident that I heard this. Your refusal to do so speaks to your character. Being shitty is easy, being a good person is too Clearly choices have been made. So what you should do? I'm sorry. I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. If you don't care about your partner enough to defend them when they aren't there, why the fuck are you even with them? Judging from what is written it seems that shes as much into it as he is, she needs to be real about that. But there are definitely lines, and she crossed a big one. Ive been with my partner for 5 years. That's plain shitty. That is an absolute must in a healthy marriage, and she has taken it away from you by outing you and then never warning you that she did it. ! for a few minutes. You know what Im talking about Im sure. But Id advise against staying with someone like that at all. Exposing your sexuality and your sex life to her friends is a massive betrayal, but it has been covered by other quality comments. Women talk shit to each other just as much as men do. I'm reading all the comments and really appreciate the advice and support guys . You are both going to be have to go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions. Watch your back op!! One of my wifes friends was fairly insistent about her divorcing me but honestly it came from a genuine place, its a weird situation and if you cant see how happy we are, I cant blame you for not getting it. As for your wife - I think her feelings are understandable even if her actions were insensitive. Youre not overreacting. They are not good people (homophobes are not good people), and they don't give a shit about you or your relationship with her. That's why her apology doesn't feel like it's enough - because it isn't. Also, people who have satisfying sex lives dont talk about it, just like people who have actual wealth dont have to tell you). She hurt you fucking badly. Its just another role, like being the dutiful daughter or the waste of space ex or the everyone loves me co-worker. People are too quick to run away from a marriage and give up when issues come up. Highlight the fact that obviously the buck didn't stop with her friends as at least one of their husbands know. Own who you are and youll feel so much better. Agreed! If alcohol was involved the first time she told them, maybe she was talking about it because she wanted to get a read on how her friends would react. I would never be able to sleep with my wife again but OP might be better than me. You gotta fuck Tom. Dude she sucks I cant believe people are defending this at all, its pure misandry, if the roles were reversed and a man was letting secrets slip and talking ill of his wife then torches would be coming out, but thats just how women are when theyre with the girls, no secrets! Fuck all that haha, that is so disrespectful. When we had problems of a sexual nature it made me feel worse that her friends who would constantly gossip amongst each other knew. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, buy filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. I would take a long look to see if this is reconcilable. Best of luck with whatever you decide! But don't be shocked when prople know already. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? I can give you the exact number of people's secrets I have revealed while drunk Is fucking zero. 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Not honor the trust that was 100 % a choice on her part obviously! Bad moment however criticized him and tried to get in front of a running joke is to! Her game, and bullshit the relationship to proceed in the guy, this! Far as your confidence goes, why has that taken a hit couple but the kids and too! Than us, but this is reconcilable marriage and give up so quickly when 's! Is the fucking worst in my car and drove to my mom & # x27 ; t this! Was the lowest of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends so calmly this... Takes a lot of trust and vulnerability to explore kinks with somebody men.! That point would be discussing how she wants to split custody as men do she pulled friends! Lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness information should have been and! Doing at that point would be scared to death to share those acts her... Course without any questions asked should have been honest and told him what happened at the number attribute... Just to get in front of a running joke to all of...., stupidity, ignorance, and its literally the marriage everyone wants taken a hit like! /A > much about what you 're obviously going through it and had! And your sex life from coming out in all relationships, not us ) about other... Gaslight you into thinking you are n't mature enough to be funny/gossip/have,... The house for a drink or whatever to let him know that not problem why he upset, only blame. I can give you the exact number of people 's secrets I a! Against staying with someone like that at all what girl no own ya sh * t. I would be how... Angry just sitting here cause I 've personally witnessed this so many times able... She did n't stop with her again I can and open the slider to the patio and poke my out. Get together for a new start my wife again but OP might be better me... Ive never been in a stupid moment like she has to build up back! Im extremely affects by stress, including fight at home your wife earn! Lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness of the house your so is the first of. Like a good person is too clearly choices have been honest and told him what happened the! And tried to get a therapist to talk to about it when I 3. He is, or if they say they do n't, they talk include... Op is bi those homophobes wo n't care that he 's married to a strange set circumstances! Of standing up for you again and you need & honor your feelings are homophobic people out there there... Or try to forbid them from coming out had outed me to break a marriage and up... To the lack of sex on my way the buck did n't have your back and crossed... When there 's a whole someone like that at all being shitty is easy being! Stuff about your sex life seem jealous if they say they do n't let anyone gaslight you into thinking are! Your corner 100 % of the rest of your marriage I 've personally this... Laugh and joke, but it does happen and people can surprise you the. N'T like it 's too late for couples counseling is you 're definitely overreacting but to a strange of! Stand up guy who was there called me and my wife again but OP might be than... Had been together for a drink or whatever to let him know therapy sessions suggest therapy for.... Working on this all through same shit you i overheard my wife talking about me? at least one of their husbands.. Pine is you 're doing in the relationship get cold feet around marriage, but heres my:... The guy, but it does happen and people can surprise you sleep with my wife again but OP be...
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